Pleasant Hill Police Department report from the incident at the Wiskur residence the night of July 4th, 2008:
Witness: Amanda Wiskur_Case # 1209_PHPD - Mrs. Wiskur states that she was dancing with Captain "Snuffy" Boughton when he offered her some Mescaline. Snuffy then mentioned that he had taken a large quantity of the same substance. Mrs. Wiskur said she had to think about it. Snuffy told her "No Worries Mandy" and proceeded to a table that Mr. Mike Hall and Mr. Brett Wiskur were playing cribbage at in anticipation of the nights fireworks display. Snuffy leaned in and said to Mr. Wiskur "If she wasn't your wife....I'd be fuckin' her right now!!!!" Snuffy then giggled and proceeded to dance around the table taunting Mr. Hall for getting double skunked by Mr. Wiskur. Mrs. Wiskur's account of what happened from this point on is not admissible to the police report. When she had returned to tell Snuffy that she was not into doing any Mescaline that evening she took a few sips from her ESB longneck that was later found to be spiked, by Snuffy, with GHB.....otherwise known as "The Date Rape Drug." The rest of Mrs. Wiskur's account of the evening's events was removed from this report.
Witness: BoB Schtkektlnihgtktkt_Case #1209_PHPD - Mr. Scpzktkt......well,....let's just call him Mr. Bob......states that from his position....which happened to be from the Briones open space next to the Wiskur residence.....(It appears that Mr. Bob doesn't find human contact or friends being close to his person to be part of his program.....note: file in one of Mr. Bob's personal cases) [5a: see airports/clipboards]Mr. Bob states that from his position in the field that there was clearly not enough free beer at the party on that warm July night and that he "really wasn't pouting about it". That was all Mr. Bob had to report. Mr. Bob then turned to his purple knapsack and pulled out what appeared, to the officer at the time, to be an FBI file that said "Hoffa" in faded letters. The officer quickly ran back to the Wiskur's driveway, shook off the chills, and proceeded with his interviews.
Witness: Jack Nestor - AKA "Happy Jack" AKA "Whacko" AKA "PHPD 2.5" AKA "The Purveyor Of Bondo" AKA "He Even Pays His Mortgage With Folded One Dollar Bills"_Case # 1209_PHPD - Mr. Nester's account when asked about the events that led to Snuffy's "disappearance" is the most profound. So profound that the department was forced to test Mr. Nester by world renowned Polygrapher Pat Ross. Mr. Ross attested, over a phone interview, that nothing in Mr. Nestor's polygraph proved to be deceptive. Moreover "everything that has ever come out of Mr. Nestor's mouth has been 100% truthful and accurate." [PHPD Note 207c: to calibrate Mr. Ross's equipment he first tested partygoer and friend of Mr. Nestor's.....Ardie Zimmer. Mr. Ross's calibration concluded that Mr. Zimmer too was 100% correct about everything!....thus proving to the PHPD and the world that polygraphs should be admissible in a court of law] Mr. Nestor states that about the time that the party was coming to a climax and the fireworks were approaching their grand finale, he witnessed Snuffy staring blankly and asking each of his friends if they knew the way back to his boat. Mr. Nestor states, he didn't think much of it......for he had spent many nights in Snuffy's company before and had been deeply disturbed on more than one occasion. It appeared, to Mr. Nestor's keen eye, that the Mescaline coursing through Snuffy's veins had taken him back to the Mekong Delta where the VC were shooting tracer-laden rounds from the mother ship. THIS OBSERVATION PROVED TO BE DEAD ON! Snuffy was, in fact in battle with the mother ship. Snuffy was also, of course, logically trying to find his way back to his boat to return fire! Mr. Nester, the friendly guy that he is, then told Snuffy it wasn't Thursday night, asked Mr. Hall if he could lock up, and sped off to buy lottery tickets.
Witness: Mike Hall_Case #1209_PHPD - An officer on duty asked Mr. Hall if he had anything to contribute to this investigation. Mr. Hall replied without turning around....."yeah......I'll take one.......make it a red." The officer, trying to be friendly and "bond to a civilian on his beat" promptly retrieved Mr. Hall a Bud Light and thanked him for his co-operation. Mr. Hall smiled, thanked him, rolled his eyes, and turned to Mr. Wiskur throwing his hands up in confusion. Mr. Wiskur returned Mr. Hall's shrug with "must be the bad gene!"
Witness: John Feldt_Case #1209_PHDP - Mr. Feldt report corroborates Mr. Nester's account of the evening. Mr. Feldt too noticed Snuffy going into a Mescaline induced hallucination and had promptly tried to get out of his chair to show Snuffy the way to his boat. An hour later....after crawling out of his chair.......and listening to Snuffy search the party for "extra ammo to take back to his boat"...............Mr. Feldt pointed towards the mothball fleet in the distance thinking this would throw Snuffy off long enough for the Mescaline to wear off. Mr. Feldt reports that he then fell back into his chair but had seen Snuffy running down the hill in the general direction of the mothball fleet.
Detective Spaulding_Case #1209_PHPD - Det. Spaulding: "Let me state that I have never tracked a person as slippery as Snuffy." Det. Spaulding reports that he followed the footprints through two purple houses Snuffy had cut through on the way North from the Wiskur residence. Det. Spaulding also reported that Snuffy stopped at the dresser of two teenage girls, one in each purple house, to throw panties across his footprints in an obvious attempt to cover his tracks. Det. Spaulding noted that he is still trying figure out where the mustache stains in the crotch came from. Spaulding reports he chased Snuffy through Pleasant Hill, through Martinez and that Snuffy gave him the slip somewhere near the water at a bar in Port Costa.
Witness: Richard North_Case #1209_PHPD - At 6:40am July 5th, 2008 Mr. North called in a report from the Albion River Campground stating that between 12:00am and dawn he was awakened by a noise. Mr. North described the sound as a low-level "sigh" that was barely audible over the sound of the breaking waves. Mr. North states that he couldn't sleep. Mr. North then tried to shake it off by eating pudding in heavy cream and counting his 6'x40' freezer full of "Legal" abalone that he and his Asian friends had caught the day before. After a few hours of counting Mr. North realized that the "SIGH" was very loud and echoing off the surrounding hills and his trailer. In a panic Mr. North grabbed his camera and states he ran "like a teenage track star" to the beach to get a picture of whatever was making this terrible "SIGH." Mr. North states he saw only a glimpse of a wake as something passed the mouth of the Albion River heading North. Mr. North, [who is now being held by California Fish & Game for questioning in regards to the decrease in abalone numbers on the North Coast], sprinted back to his trailer and picked up his Apple IPhone where he proceeded to pull up his favorite "Live Cam" site.......the Agate Beach Realtime Camera. [which Mr. North later admitted to masturbating obsessively to ] Mr. North deducted using the volume of the "SIGH", the size of the wake, and that the Live Cam was 3 miles North......the Live Cam would get a photo of the mysterious craft. [This was later found to have been deducted by phone by earlier witness, John Feldt as he is the only intelligent friend that Mr. North has.] With his IPhone in hand Mr. North says he "gasped in horror" as his friend Snuffy's image appeared on the Live Cam. paddling some sort of craft. Mr. North then sent the photo to the PHPD in response to the television report about the, now missing, Snuffy. Mr. North stated that he wished he could hear his old friend sigh one last time. Mr. North also mentioned something to the PHPD about commissioning someone by the name of "Admiral Dernitz" to head the search.
Detective Spaulding_Case#1209_PHPD - Det. Spaulding would like to thank Mr. North [after his release from CA Fish & Game] personally for his work in this case. His photo of Snuffy paddling North in what appears to be a Battle-Yak, included in this report, is the best lead to the whereabouts of Snuffy. Det. Spaulding also reports that he is hurt and ashamed that Snuffy not only spiked Mrs. Wiskur's drink with GHB, but also tried to give her a large dose of Mescaline.....and no one should forget what that type of thing did to Janice Joplin. Det. Spaulding would also like to commission the help of anyone that may have an old wooden boat, a boat docked at a marina near Antioch, or possibly on a trailer at their ranch. These craft could help locate Snuffy, but Det. Spaulding also states that he isn't hopeful as most people that own boats use them. Det. Spaulding and the PHPD thank everyone involved in this investigation for their help. The co-operation of the witnesses has been unprecedented.....almost as unprecedented as the amount of beer that Mr. Hall drank during the 3 hour interviewing process at the Wiskur residence. In conclusion Det. Spaulding states that no one try to apprehend Snuffy if spotted. He has been known to try to gum peoples arms off. He has also been known to give long uncomfortable hugs while stating "I love you man!" Det. Spaulding's main question still stands.................HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!! HAVE YOU SEEN SNUFFY?
Attached to this Report is Photographic Evidence_Case # 1209_Exhibit 1C - Image captured by the Agate Beach, Mendocino, CA 'Live Camera' 6:33am, July 5th 2008 - The last known whereabouts of Captain Snuffy Boughton - Compliments of Witness: Richard North
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